~`~ MoI stOry, mOi LiFe ~`~

I cant seem to let go..

2010-01-29T20:19:00.000-08:00

I know i'm such a bitch to love two guys at a time. How fast time flies. It has been more than a year since I found out that I love two guys. I dont want to do that but I CANT help feeling that. HELP!!! I cant seem to really let go and forget HIM. At the same time, I cant stop loving Him coz he's there for me and makes me feel loved like how HIM used to love me that much.

I'm such a guilty bitch.

A two-timer.

But I also dont want it to be this way.

Touched by an Angel..

2010-01-01T21:34:00.000-08:00

TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL sang by SEZAIRI SEZALI
(Music and Lyrics by Ken Lim)

My world had just gone by
Always darkened skies
There was no reason to try
Never could fly

Now I’m tired of searching
And wondering why
It’s not really all that, much far
Reaching out for stars

Bridge
Time to reach out
Time to be who I am

Chorus
Finally, I believe
My dreams will unfold
It’s like being touched by an angel
A brand new beginning
It’s amazing
This is, a moment, I will remember

Finally, I can feel
Heaven on earth
It’s like being touched by an angel
My world is changing
I’m living out loud
Feels like, I’m been, touched by an angel above

I’ve waited for so long
For this day to arrive
The world seems a different place
Knowing I can fly

Bridge
Time to reach out
Time to be who I am

Chorus
Finally, I believe
My dreams will unfold
It’s like being touched by an angel
A brand new beginning
It’s amazing
This is, a moment, I will remember

Finally, I can feel
Heaven on earth
It’s like being touched by an angel
My world is changing
I’m living out loud
Feels like, I’m been, touched by an angel above

P.S ( Who'll be my angel in 2010..thanks for all the angels who leftfoot prints in my heart in the year of 2009..I love ALL OF YOU! )

I feel like blogging AGAIN..!!! :)

2009-11-14T04:11:00.001-08:00

Heh, suddenly feel like blogging again after seeing Van's blog...:))

Mixed Emotions..

2009-03-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

How fast time flies.

My sem 2.2 hols are gonna be over soon in a few days' time and then I'm gonna be Year 3.1.

I can still remem so vividly my first day in TP and my life following that.

And suddenly, I feel so nostalgic. Having mixed emotions that I cnt really comprehend in words.

Suddenly, memories of the past just play back in my mind.

All the bittersweet memories.

My kindergarden days.

My primary school days.

My secondary school days.

My JC days.

And then my TP days.

Time really passes too fast alread.

If time can hold, I wish I can revisit some of those sweet chapters of my life once again.Can I?

All those memories are making me feel nostalgic.

I'm having mixed emotions.

I'm scared of the unknown.

I'm starting my intern in less than a week's time or so ......

And before I know it, sem 3.1 will end and then followed by the start of sem 3.2......

And before I even remem, I'm outta TP and I'll once again be like a lost boat, not knowing what shd I do nxt with my life...shd I work or shd I continue with my studies...even if I wana cont with my studies, can my parents or will they even want to support me thru' it again......I doubt so..so I know it myself tat most prolly I'll be working after I grad frm TP which is sooooo sad coz tat means I'm just a pathetic diploma holder, unlike my friends who're in unis.........

Many times I wonder why's my life like this. Why cnt I have made it to the uni like my other friends? What exactly went wrong that made me walk this pathway..........

And many times I just console myself that perharps it's in God's plans I've to take this path...and I must say that I've gotten to know many great ppl that made an impact in my life during this chapter of my life. They sorta brought me into another world which I will otherwise not have known to exist.......

I guess I shd not think too much or let my emotions overwhelm me like I do many a time. Perharps I shd just let nature take its own course and see what life has in store for me......I'll just do my best in whatever that is in store for me and play my part.........

I pray that my SIP life will be a good and enriching one that will add onto my sweet chapters of my life story...........

=)

Are You Happy?

2009-02-28T21:26:00.000-08:00

You said you want back your freedom.

So I gave you yours..smt you've been wanting ..

So are you happy now?

But it's so strange coz I've always given you the freedom to do what you want even when we're together..

So cld it be that saying this is just your excuse to get rid of me, this so-called "rubbish" you so often call me these days coz you're just sick and tired of me?

They say that guys are often the ones who start the chasing game. And girls are often the ones who get hurt at the end of it coz girls are sentimental creatures who dont want things to end. How true.

I really dont want things to end b/w us but I guess there's no point crying over spilt milk now.

I have waited almost one year and hanging onto whatever that was left of us. But I'm really tired of waiting and hoping for miracles to happen coz I know they wont. Coz the fact is that you've changed. You're no longer who you used to be. The guy I used to love. To tell you the truth, I really HATE those friends of yours to the core coz they make you what you're today which is a really bad thing...coz you changed for the worse........I'm tired of you scolding me stupid, saying I'm useless,saying me this and that...am I really that worthless to you now???Why must you treat me like a "rubbish" now...You didnt used to be like this. Why must you hurt me so badly now. My heart aches so much you've no idea or wont even care how much you've hurt me deep inside of me.

I know it's time to MOVE ON. I know I shld have done that almost one year ago when you initiated the break up. But I clnt take the abrupt shocking news. It took me almost one year now to accept that things are not what it used to be and that what you've said is totally right. Moreover, you said that you dont plan to marry me and that you wana stay single your whole life. I cnt just keep waiting for you. Coz I still hope to get married and have kids and build a happy family of my own. This's smt that I've always wanted coz all my life I dont really get to enjoy the warmth of a family.

I know I'm just so useless. I always have to depend on ppl. Why cnt I be more independent and not always act like such a baby? Why am I depending on YOU now that I've lost him.......haix.......='(

Quotes

2009-02-26T09:46:00.000-08:00

Quotes with compliments from Ms MengNi ..=P -meows-

Eyes are cleared by many tears, and a heart is softened by the tendest sorrow..

The one who is blind to the view of our soul shall not enjoy life as it is..

I was on the brink of death on 7/1/09..sobx

2009-01-07T03:28:00.001-08:00

Dear Bloggie,

It was such a scary experience for me todae..sobx..........I felt giddy and I almost fainted on the bus today...I thought for a moment that I was going to meet God very soon ...-cries-

In a dilema..

2008-12-26T06:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Bloggie.

It has been AGESSSSSSS since I last blogged.

I'm so sorry I sorta abandoned you bloggie, but tt's coz I've been SOOOO caught up in my hectic and busy life of school, fun, girlies, bf etc etc..and I simply had no energy nor the enthusiasm to blog about things.I'm really sorry, forgive me, wont you, bloggie..

And every time I finally FEEL like blogging, it sorta means I'm in a sorta CRISIS.

YES. CRISIS. A LOVE CRISIS this time round.

I'm so so confused and I really dont know what should I do. Pls someone help me.........plssssssssssss.........

It all happened with me working at the ice cream shop at Novena in my last sem hols.

He came over to buy cookies and cream ice cream from me.

I served him.

I often went over to buy his butter waffles coz tt was like the easiest and fastest to be eaten during my pathetic 5 mins or so break time.

Someone, one fine day, I smiled at him coz he came over to buy cookies and cream again.

He smiled back and we chatted.

We hit it off immediately.

We chatted and we became friends.

Finally, on my last day of work there, he so happened to come over to my ice cream shop and chatted with me. Apparently, he wanted to buy cookies and cream ice cream from me again. It was sorta funny why he only buys that flavor ice cream.

I told him it was my last day at work that day.

He looked sorta sad.

He told me if we cld exchange contacts coz apparently, he wanted to come to TP open house. ( before that he knew I studied at TP while chatting..)

I thought he meant only that so I gave him my contacts.

Before long, after we parted, he started msging me there and then.

We were only a few shops apart and we were msging each other like some long lost friend.

But I thought nth much of it coz I thought he just wanted to be friendly to me. Like how he's friendly to everyone else.

On that very day, he called me and we chatted on the phone for the first time.

Still, I thought nth about it coz I thought he 's friendly to everyone so it's normal.

We started to chat with each other almost everyday after that.

Before long, he sent me a sms asking me out.

So we went out for the first time.

It was quite special going out with him coz I never experienced going out with someone who has his style.

But still, my feelings for him is platonic.

I just treated him like a friend.

Coz in my heart , I only loved Dorai and that was that.

And I thought it was the same for him too.

That he was just being nice and friendly to me, like how he's with his other friends.

Before we know it, we became quite close to each other. We chat on the phone, hung out every fridays.

To me, he became like my yet another good friend whom I cld relate to and hang out with. And I only treated him as a friend and it stopped at that.

But it took me some time before I realised that he didnt just treat me like a friend. Some of the things he said and did. But still, I thought perharps, maybe, most likely, I was thinking too much again coz I thought that he shd know that I alread have a bf and I told him that before.

Before long, it became kinda a habit for us to hang out almost every friday after my school. ( He's off on Fridays back then)

Before long, he hinted to me he likes me more than a friend. BUT I was stupid enough to just brush off that idea though I kinda suspected.

Then, I was still with Dorai. I still loved him alot. So I wanted so much for that suspicion that he might like me as more than a friend to be just a false alarm coz I liked him as a friend only.

But before long, one day, when we met up again, he surprised me. He presented a sweet bracelet, flowers and a pressie to me and asked me to be his gf.I was so shocked and surprised. But I declined coz I knew that was the right thing to do coz I still loved Dorai. How cld I accept another guy into my life when I'm still confused about my r/s with Dorai and that I knew that I still loved Dorai?

..............

Hols and school stuffs..

2008-10-21T02:17:00.000-07:00

My hols had been a total blast. Everyday I'd things to do and everyday was happy. There wasnt a single day of boredom...and everyday is a fun day of shopping or working or cycling or swimming or alot of other things lahx..I got to hang out with ppl I LIKE and can get very well along with and spent happy times with the. BUT I guess that good things never last long..coz before I know it, the hols are over and BORING school started. ='(

I'm still feeling nostalgic coz I miss my happy holidays lahx. Not that stupid school starts, I have to face the stressful life again..I can alread see the super stressful and sad life I'll be leading this sem for 4 months lahx..

Yea, anyways, today smt very upsetting to me happened and I still cnt believe it happened lahx. I knew it might happen but I still felt very upset when it happened..I dnt want to blog about it lahx..ppl who know about it will know what I'm talking about lahx..All I can say is that in life, U'll surely meet ppl who like and dislike U, just like how U will tend to like and dislike certain ppl lahx..Even how nice U're or what, this rule of thumb applies lahx..All I can say is that it's totally NOT WORTH IT TO FEEL TOO UPSET OVER THESE PPL COZ IT'S JUST A WASTE OF YOUR STRENGTH AND LIFE..But for a very emotional person like me, it's quite very hard not to feel too upset over these kinda ppl coz I'm the sort of person who cares and minds what others think of me. But I guess I just have to learn to not be too emotional and let my emotions overwhelm me..I just have to be rationale and more cold blooded just like U-know-who..

haix..I totally dread going to school now lahx..I miss the working carefree days..

Work, ice cream, cute guys and random..=P

2008-10-01T06:59:00.001-07:00

Hey Bloggie..

Yepx, life's strange.

One day I was working and my boss at Geladiso told me that she found a full timer alread so all the part timers which include me need not come anymore.

And then just when I least expect it, she told me that I can go back to work again to scope ice cream and all that coz apparently, the full timer quitted just after one pathetic week...lOlx..I later found out from the new girl she employed too called Rachel that the full timer quitted coz she found the job too boring...Lolx..

K, so yepx, here I am again, working for Geladison, scoping ice creams, doing cashiering and on top of that we have to give out fliers also coz now the job is having the BUY ONE SCOOP GET ANOTHER SCOOP OF ICE CREAM FREE promotion..

Okay, and the thing that I wana share today mainly is that today when me and Rachel were working together, there were these 2 really cute guys who came to get ice cream from our ice cream parlour. One of them was an ang moh guy and the other was an asian guy and they both have american accents..The two of them were really cute and real funny, with very cute and nice sense of humour that I think can make girls melt for..They were like teasing me and Rachel and making us laugh really hard at their jokes..and I know I shdnt feel like this coz apparently I'm supposed to be ATTACHED TO DEARIE DORAI but I just cnt help feeling like this...*blushes* I dont know how to explain what happened and how exactly I felt then but in conclusion, it was very cute and fun and funny...These 2 guys ah...can easily make girls fall for them lahx...Rachel agreed with me too...Anyway, after they left after we served them their FOUR scoops of ice cream, what made me think if they're interested in me and Rachel happened...lOlx..---> They came back after some time and it was obvious they purposely came back for us coz they looked back at us when they passed by us and smiled at us and made some hand gestures that just made my heart race faster and my heart to melt into a balloon...ehhhhhhhh...I know I know, Rachel said I think too much and read too much into the thing alread but still..........................................................they're SOOOOOOO cute oh my goodness.......................*blushes more..*

Heez...hope they come back to us for more ice cream....=P

Well well well, what can I say...ice cream definitely goes well with cute guys and ...............

=)

So cute and adorable these kids..so angellic..-tears-

2008-09-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Watch these..they're so touching...their voices can melt ppl's hearts ...--->

David Militello singing Micheal Jackson's Ben =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJnjPnk9ASc&feature=related

Ben, the two of us need look no moreWe both found what we were looking forWith a friend to call my ownIll never be aloneAnd you my friend will seeYouve got a friend in me(youve got a friend in me)Ben, youre always running here and there(here and there)You feel youre not wanted anywhere(anywhere)If you ever look behindAnd dont like what you findTheres something you should knowYouve got a place to go(youve got a place to go)I used to say, I and meNow its us, now its we(I used to say, I and me)(now its us, now its we)Ben, most people would turn you awayI dont listen to a word they sayThey dont see you as I doI wish they would try toIm sure theyd think againIf they had a friend like ben(a friend)Like ben(like ben)Like ben

Kaitlyn Maher

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2vNM5jyuD4&feature=related

Life's good!~ =)

2008-09-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

Life has been good so far..my hols has been a blast..no time to feel bored or what..coz I strike a good balance between work and play and try to satisfy all aspects of my needs which include:

- GIRLIES SHOPPING ( RETAIL REMEDY )
- GIRLIES GOSSIPPING AND CHATTING
- BF REMEDY OF HUGS N KISSES N WHINNING N..
- GROUP OUTINGS
- SPORTS ( LOOSING WEIGHT N BEING ACTIVE)
- MY HANDICRAFT PASSION ( KNITTING N MAKING HAND BOUQUET CHOCO BEAR )
- HOUSEWORK ( CLEANING UP N TIDYING UP MY ROOM )
- WORK TO EARN MONEY N LEARN NEW SKILLS AND..

=)

Just went to ade's new semi detached house at boon lay with the girlies..it was fun and great with all that food, talks, puppets and silly innocent fun we had..!~ =D Enjoyed every bit of it..( like always..)

Looking forward to nxt week's outing to the jurong swimming complex with you girlies..not to forget the upcoming baking with aunty bee on Tuesday...and more girlie shopping bimbiotic fun..!!!~ Cnt wait...Life's good!~ =)

Work stuffs..

2008-09-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today my boss at the ice cream shop I am currently working now said to me smt tt came as a surprise to me:

"Do you know you have a way of making ppl laugh..and tt's a good thing you should keep coz not everyone has that kinda abiliy.."

I replied: " Really..I didnt know that.."

She replied back: " Well, at least you make me laugh and you're funny to me.."

.........

hAppY stUfFs..aNd shOckIng stUffs..DonT sWeAt tHe sMAll stUffs..

2008-09-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

Heh Bloggie.

Yesterday was a blast..=) In the end me and dearie didnt go to the jurong swimming thing..we went to the new seng kang swimming complex thing which also has slides and those play thing...Me and dearie had fun there...played all the slides there, suana-ed there, swimmed, sun-tanned and overall, we had fun..!!! ^.T =)

Eh, at first I was scared of the slides coz when I go down got the "funny feeling" you get from roller coaster.. but after getting used to the speed when you get down, it's actually alright!!!~ =P

Then I went to meet my ex Yang Meng for him to pass me my 21st bdae super belated present. He gave me a sweet disneyland chocolate miney keychain he bought from taipei.. I must say I was really shocked when I met him yesterday coz...

first up, he was LATE!!!!!! He didnt used to be late..he was always early but on time..that was why that was the first thing that shocked me and tell me the cruelty of life..that time changes people..he changed SO DAMN FREAKING MUCH I COULDNT EVEN BELIEVE IT TILL LIKE NOW!!!

Second up, his physical appearance CHANGED LIKE 360 DEGREES LAHX!!! -fainted- If I didnt see it with my own eyes, I wldnt believe it too..! He became like a bloated and fat version of the cute Yang Meng I remembered and last say since I was in JC1..yea, a freaking 4 years can indeed do alot of changes to a person..!!!!

So in the end we chatted about alot of stuffs from school to our common friends to my bf to alot of things..I felt awkward at first but after some time I opened up eventually coz it was just like those old times ..eh, actually his ah beng character is still there .. tt's one of the few things he didnt change after 4 years..

Going Gelatiso to work later again.. ! =)

My ideal picture of working in an ice cream shop .. hapPy =)

2008-09-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie,

Today was my first day of working at Gelatiso Ice Cream .. It was great..!~ =D I got to learn how to scope ice cream and got to try all sorts of flavour at the ice cream shop.. Finally a change from selling the boring egg tarts tt I'm so bored of now to selling ice cream..!~ =P Ms Jean Tong is at your service..=) ^.^

And the boss's nice, the colleagues are nice, the job is cool and cute and I can get my pay as and when I want and it's so near to my place.......what else can I ask for??? =) Finally.. ( unlike working at the stupid misey Anderson's Ice cream.. ^**)((&*(&(*^*&%$%%&$%* --> Means me scolding vulgarities at the stupid Anderson's Ice cream )

The boss even offered me a lift home today lahx..I'm so blissed to find my ideal job like finally can...think I'll stay on there till like my hols're over..now I'm Miss Ice Cream Lady...no longer Ms Egg Tart Lady le..=)

Tml I'm going to the jurong swimming thing with dearie then go mit my ex, Yang Meng coz he said he wants to pass my my belated 21st bdae pressie..then I pass him his pressie also..gosh..I so long nv see him alread..so nervous...how'll things turn out to be huh..I better not screw up manx..cnt wait for tml to come..till then ciao!

Life's good! =)

My 1st knitting lesson today!~=)

2008-09-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

Had my first knitting lesson today..it was an all new experience for me..=)

Starting my new ice cream job this sat..training first..hope I like it..=)

So far I'm enjoying my hols..somehow I'll have stuffs to do and I dnt feel bored like in the other hols..

Life's good!~ =D

Am I realli considered a dumb blonde ( more like dumb asian black..)

2008-09-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

Dearie just gave me yet another pet name for me : Dumb Blonde ( k..more like dumb asian black..)

Is it the way I act or what..???

Beats me..

Anyways, now is already the 2nd week of my 7 week long hols and so far so good..=)

After a weekend of happy-hourings with the double celebrations of the end of exams and my 21st bdae, come a week of workaholic-ing during my 1st week of hols.. My 1st week of hols was spent mostly working then go home rest and slp, watch the telly then slp for the nxt day of work..yea...I know..like no life like that right..But in b/w dearie will mit me..like on Tuesday which was a hellish tiring day for me last week working 2 jobs per day, dearie came and send me home and ate supper with me a b.k. The bf-remedy always work and it's always so nice to end a tiring and monotonous day with dearie. He's my laughing happy pill always.=) Then we met again that week on Thursday for our JB trip and my part 2 celebrations of my 21st bdae. It was fun . We ate botak jones for dinner..my 1st time eating that sial..is dearie brought me one..thx for the treat there dearie ( onli me and him know why he has to treat me in the end..bleahx..) Then me and dearie met again on last Saturday coz I asked him to acc me to return the Anderson's Ice Cream uniform..( yea, U guess it correctly..I quitted the job after just one pathetic day coz I cnt stand feeling so tired working 2 jobs..) Ended up me and dearie went to the Suntec there de food exhibition and gai gai a bit and stuffs..then I sent dearie off to his work at clarke quay..=) On that same week, me and dearie met the FOURTH time on Sunday for my 21st bdae celebrations part 3..to take my 21st bdae neo cards!!! Before that I met misrah my dear TP friend for yet another shopping spree at bugis street and our gossiping and complain and catching - up sessions and then we went to this place to eat which is damn cool and new to me..=) While dearie went hung out and met his GAY friends...we only met at a freaking 8.30 pm or later coz he was LATE!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways, so the thing is that me and dearie broke our record, meeting each other FOUR times in a week which is a VERY RARE thing coz usually me and him only meet like once per week on Sundays ..( yea, our Sundays are supposedly reserved for each other..)

Which brings me to the point of my relationship with dearie now. My personal take is that me and dearie's relationship has moved on to yet another phase..from the honeymoon lovey-dovey stage in year 2006 to the still got lovey-dovey feeling but not so much de stage in year 2007 to the no-more-honeymoon feelings and on the verge of breaking up stage this year 2008 to NOW.....now I think we're on the stage that is past the on-the-verge-of-breaking-up stage and we realise that we still love each other though the sweet feelings are no longer there. The feelings is more mutual but built on the past that we shared, the love that we used to have and still have for each other and us giving each other yet another chance to be together. We have moved on from the rocky stage in May 2008 where he felt suffocated being in this relationship while me being so clingy onto him as the sense of insecurity stemed from the fear of loosing him. I'll still never forget how he responded to my question of : "Tell me the truth and listen to your heart. Do you still want to be in a relationship with me? " And he responded : " My heart tells me I want to be single again. But I still want you and love you." Now me and dearie are like best friends, like bro-sis, like ex colleagus and like bf-gf ( which is quite seldom ) And I kinda like it the way it is now..he doesnt feel so suffocated while I'm not as clingy to him anymore...=)

K, back to my 2nd week of hols which is this week..it's rather well-spent I think..=) So now I'm like suddenly jobless ( from being a workaholic just a week ago..what a joke..) and I spent my this week like a tai-tai ( k..a POOR and BROKE tai-tai) I just spent it shopping with friends, indulging in more shopping and gossiping and bitching and in bimbotic movies like Sex and the City and its series, Desperate Housewives and stuffs ... And not to forget the boyfriend remedy of chatting on the phone with dearie...And I started my exercise regime again..Yea, I wana shed off more fats to look nice in my new bikini dearie and me went to buy together so that I can make eyes roll onto me when I go swim/suntan at sentosa with dearie soon..I jioed my neighbour cum childhood friend Qiao Die to go jog with me on Monday and I made her promise me we'll exercise at least one a week from this week onwards..! Then Tuesday my SFMS friend Allan asked me wana join the SFMS ppl for dinner at town and then go ktv after that but in the end I didnt go. Coz actually I aint tt close to them so I was thinking it'll be kinda weird if I did go. In the end, I went to visit my aunt to brought me up since I was a baby and I felt so sad to see how much she has aged over the course of the time when I left her house and stayed at my own real home. I love her really. Nobody will ever know or understand the kinda bond me and her have. Though she isnt my real mum, but she is my mum in my heart coz she's this great and noble woman who brought me and my bro up to who we are today. It really hurts me so much to see her age so much and to me, it just sends the msg across to me how cruel time is to humans. The very hands that she used to bring me and my bro up have wrinkled so much and are no longer as agile anymore. Her physique seemed to have shrunked so much and her grey hair seems to have grown more over 1 year. I'm really sad to see her loose the glister of youth she used to have when I was still at her place. I really want to do smt I can to make her feel my love and care and concern for her but I dont know how to. I'm not very good with words and I dont know how to express my emotions with my actions. The only thing I can do was buying for her facial products , treating her to meals and going to visit her and chatting with her over the phone. But still I really hate myself coz I have no control over her aging process. And the sad thing that makes me feel guilty every time I think about it is how and what she did for me and my bro and to me, no matter what I do, I can never repay her the debt of her bringing me and my bro up for the past 2 decades..I love U Mummy..U're my dearest dearest Mummy in my heart.

Anyways tml will be a knitting day of fun with mengni!~ =) Cnt wait..she's teaching my knitting tml..I have been wanting to learn it since like ages ago..finally my small dream is coming true soon! Then after tt me and her will be doing a sales job and I really hope I can earn more money from it tml by getting more sales..May Lady Luck befall me! =D

For now, I'm gonna indulge more in my tai-tai lifestyle till this sat comes and I'll have to lead a workaholiclifestyle again..!

P.S ( Sorry my points are all jumbled up and I just crapped a hell load here..k, I know I'm a crap like what dearie says...-sobx I just say whatever that suddenly pops in my mind here) =P

Wishes do come true..

2008-09-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

Star light, star bright, first star i see tonight. I wish i may, i wish i might, Have the wish i wish tonight.* I wish for better grades to come in the nxt sem, and the nxt nxt sem and the nxt nxt nxt sem..*

Got back my sem 2.1 results alread..upset ='(

2008-09-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

Just gotten back my sem 2.1 results..

One word to sum up my emotions after getting the damn results ---> DISAPPOINTED.

='( =( =<

Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I nv seem to be able to get the results I want since like the beginning of my JC days till now..???Am I really that stupid or what???!!! WTH. I have had enough of failures in mya academic areana of my life and now this...........!!!!!!!!!!!! I cnt believe I'm still going downhill even in my poly days. Haix. When will I be the old Jean back in primary and secondary school when hardwork equates to success..??? Why is it that since JC till now, no matter how much hard work I put in, I dnt always see the results ..??? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I TOTALLY TOTALLY HATE THIS KINDA OUTCOME..!!!!!!!IT JUST MAKES ME SO DAMN DEMORALISED...='( =( * Sob a zillion and more times..*

Sadded.

Sadded more.

Sadded more and more and more........

I still cnt believe the results I got back lahx. I worked so damn freaking hard this sem and I pulled it thru' even with the 2 major crisis events this sem of Baby's death and my bf's break up with me and this results is what I get for all the hard work and perseverance and......sobx........why.........why oh why...................I wana get all my As and distinctions and B pluses ... I dnt want any Cs or C pluses........I hate Cssssssssss... C sux............I dnt want to see Csss in my results but no matter how hard I try, I cnt seem to get anymore As or distinctions anymore..since sem 1.2, I can only get B pluses, Bs, C pluses and Cssssssss.........='( *sobx*

No choice. I guess I'm just no longer academically inclined anymore bahx. Maybe coz I'm an old woman now. 21 marks the beginning of me becoming an old old woman.*sobx* Maybe coz I'm old alread so my brain isnt as smart as it used to be anymore..always forget this forget that, so blur...all thanks to my deteriorating brain..-cries out loud- I guess I cnt do much about my forgetfulness and blurness coz I alread tried my best and so hard to cure them but to no avail.

But I have alread tried my very best alread so I really dont have much regrets alread. Just have to accept the results and MOVE ON. Like always.

I just wonder when will be the day I can tu po zi ji again. Like how I used to go on stage in the past and receive awards for doing well in my studies...those days will only be in my memories now..I dnt think there'll come another day I can go back to those glam days of my life...haix...but still, I'll continue working hard coz there's really no point going thru' life and not doing your best in whatever you do..then you might as well just not do the thing...maybe I'm just a perfectionist who just wants a happily-ever-after ending which ususally dont happens in real life and then I'll get all upset all over again when the results aint what I expect it to be...haix..the target grades I set for myself for each module mostly did not meet my expectations..only ONE pathetic module met my expectations and was even better than I thought it would be..anyways--->

Entre-Intdisc : B+ ( target : B ... so exceeded my expectation ) =)

Cat : B ( target : B+ .. sadded..so disappointed coz I did quite well for my coursework and project and quizes and tests lehx..dont know what happened sial.. ) =(

FPQA : C+ ( target : B..sadded..VERY SHOCKED..coz I did quite well for all my projects as well as peer evaluation and quizes were alright too..so I also dont know what happened lahx..I think must be the last project for this module my grp sorta screwed up..haix..sadded..)

ApFS : C+ ( target : B+ .. sadded...damn shocked also..coz I did well for the course work, my quizes and term tests and project..must be the stupid sem exams I kinda screwed up coz the paper was seriously hard..even the top girl said it was hard..haix..)

NLS : C+ ( target : B.. haix..this one I got no comments..coz I always know that my nutrition subject aint tt great..coz I got short term memory and nutrition is a memorising subject so you know..haix..)

FI : C ( target : B..this one is the MOST shocking results I got back..no comments alread..dont know what happened lahx..haix..)

I gotta work even harder for the nxt few sems!!! Only got 3 more sems to pull up my GPA to above 3 so I can hopefully get into uni..all the best to me......

My 21st Birthday Celebrations and random stuffs..

2008-09-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

Woah. Hasnt been updating...was too caught up with stuffs to blog.

Anyways, I'm 21 now. Lolx. Still feels strange coz I still dnt really FEEL that old.

With the kbox chang k on Sat with frenz, and spending my actual 21st bdae on Sunday with dearie ( er ren shi jie..), my 21st bdae celebration is almost done.. except that thursday which is tml me and dearie are celebrating my bdae again and then friday with my family...=) Eh, I dnt have wat glamorous 21st bdae bash or what like some of my friends ( like what I see in movies and shows..) coz there wasnt enough time to plan and all that coz I only finished my exams on Friday and had been so busy mugging for the exams and also coz I dnt think I have enough money to do that..so sad..='( But then again, it's great enough to spend my 21st with my loved ones..=) Thx all for the bdae pressies and wishes..and the memo to last me for the rest of my life till the day I grow old with grey white hair..^.^

Then for the past 2 days I have been working..on Tuesday I was crazy enough to thought that I cld handle 2 jobs..so frm 7.20am till 1.30 pm I worked at Fancy Delight..then I went home, bathed and changed and rushed off to work at Anderson's Ice Cream..my leg really hurt damn alot yesterday and today lahx..think I cnt cope with 2 FnB jobs..So I quitted the ice cream job today le..lOlx..what a joke..

So excited for tml lahx..spending the whole day with dearie..we're going JB together again..=) Second time going JB with dearie..^.^

EXAMS ARE OVER....!!!!!!WOPEEEE!!!HAPPY!!! =)

2008-08-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh...........THE FREAKING HELLISH EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER!!!!!!!!!!!SO DAMN HAPPY AND EXCITED LAHX!!!!!!!!! =)

Yesterday marked the end of my sem 2.1. The end of the last and final paper on 29th august..just before my 21st bdae..so happy ! =)

The grp went to ecp to cycle and gai gaied but me, meng n polly went together to suntec city coz we went there for interview..=) Eh..actually is they acc me there..heez..then we decided we aint in the mood to cycle and coz polly was gg back to penang in like 2 hrs' time after the interview so yea..we went MEGA SHOPPING!!! Destress all the freaking exams stress by SHOPPING!!!!!!!!So nice to hear this word and indulge in it again lahx..AND OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!SUNTEC SHOPS CHANGED SO MUCH OVER THE COURSE OF THE EXAMS!!!!!So many new nice designer shops ard now lahx..we had so much fun looking n playing with them at the shops there...in the end.....polly bought a designer watch tt's damn cute at only 20 bucks..!!! ( offer ) Meng bought korean cattish GREEN hair clips..( in the end..) and me..ermx..I bought this really cute designer heart shaped kinda lamp tt U can just touch and the light goes on , off and dimmer and...so cute and special lahx..!!!SO ME!!! And I bought 2 korean hair clips and ...

With that marks the end of sem 2.1 and the start of my freedom and holidays!!!

Reminiscent of the past..

2008-08-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

張國榮《追》－金枝玉葉

A show and song that brings back memories of the past..I can watch this show a million times and every time I'll still feel touched and very emotional after watching the show..and the song is just so emo and nice too lahx..

Thanks Gers For the cutie rabbit pressie..=)

2008-08-20T05:02:00.001-07:00

Dear Bloggie.

Today I was touched and I felt loved.

My clique in class gave me my early bdae pressie..it's a cutie pinkie - whitey rabbit huggiez soft toy..very soft and fluffy and huggable ( so sweet they remem my love for rabbits and pink..) ..and a PINK hand-made card with all their personal msgs to me..and meng ni n polly gave me this really sweet bottle decorated with flowers and sega seeds with their rolled msgs for me..just like the message in a bottle! Thanks girls ( and 1 guy ) for the super early bdae pressie and card ... love them.. and really appreciate them.. thx thx le..!~ =) Esp since exams are just nxt week and knowing they took the effort to go and buy the gifts and did the card for me and Lorraine[ another august baby girl in the group] just makes me feel so touched and loved. ( I think Lorraine feels the same way as me bahx..)

Somehow, receiving the gifts today reminded me again of my JC days when my clique back then also did smt like that for me on my 18th bdae.. The pillow gift with the poddle on it..the pinkie bag pressie they gave me, together with the card with all their msgs written on them and cake..
I felt exactly how I feel today back then - touched and loved.

Thanks once again girls ( and the one only guy in the grp..) for the sweet pressie and card...love and appreciate them..!~ =)

Thoughts.

2008-07-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

Some random thoughts that went thru' my mind.

My to - do - lists after I grad with my dip in AFSN..--->

- Go aussie to get my degree in Food Science/ Nutrition
- Get my driver's liscence
-travel to many many places I want..
- Try out air stewardess job
- Try out modelling job
- Earn LOTSA money to..
- Go for facial and slimming centres to look PERFECT
- Put PINK braces
- Go P-L-A-S-T-I-C ( where..it's a secret only I know..heez..)
- Join cheerleading ( again )
- Join and learn alot of kinds of diff dances.. ( actually I love to dance but..)
- Learn more make-up courses
-Learn manicure and nail art courses
- Go for those ethique courses to perfect that tai-tai wanabe - poise
- Get to know MORE ppl of all sorts by .. all those mentioned above
- Take up more diff kinds of jobs to gain experience
- Perfect my cooking and baking skills
- Get my own house
- Get my own car
- Have my own backyard or smt to rear lots and lots of cutie rabbits! ( and puppies../ toy dogs..)
- etc etc etc...many many worx..

Yea..tt's about all I have for the moment..

Not too long ago..

2008-07-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I dreamt of rabbits..

And memories of Baby came rushing thru' my mind..

And reminded me of the fact that..

Not too long ago, I had a very cute rabbit whose name is Baby...I love him heaps and ..

But he passed away so suddenly...

Not too long ago too, I had a caring and nice bf who dotes on me...I love him heaps too..

But he decided to break up with me saying that it's best for us this way..

I teared. Thinking about what happened to me just not so long ago..

Though now me and him are back together again, but things are just so different now. It's no longer what it used to be. But I still love him the same.

He just seemed to have so many sides to him.

Sometimes when I look at him, I see the old him .The familiar and nice guy I think I know so well.

Sometimes when I look at him, he seems like another guy..a guy who I think I really dont know wth is he thinking inside of him .. he seems so distant to me all of a sudden at moments and times like this..

What exactly is it that draws me to him and makes me cant let go of him and this 2 year plus relationship..???

Is it the beautiful memories and times we used to spend with each other..?

Or is it the fact that he was present in my life during the period when I most needed someone to be there..

Or...

I really dont know. Maybe this 's something called L.O.V.E and so you cnt explain how U feel.

.

I love U..will U leave me again..?

Woah.

2008-07-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

Woah.

How fast time passes by weeks after weeks..

I've been so overwhelmed by the amount of porjects every single day and it's true.

Everyday on a typical weekday it's 8-6pm or sometimes even later for me..camp in school and do the stupid projects until the com lab is closed at 6pm , rushing to compete them day after day only to find that there're so many things to do we dont know when the hell can our race with the piling projects finally be over.

Sighs. It's THAT bad. Sometimes I dnt even have time to eat my lunch or dinner or if I do , me and my TP friends are rushing coz we're only left with a pathetic half an hour or so lahx..Sighs..maybe that's one of the reasons why I slimed down quite abit these days..but it's bad for my health lahx..and I'm a nutrition student lehx..

And I can still remem the day Baby passed away was the day I camped in school to do the stupid NLS task 1 project till v late..='( That's one of the MANY reasons why I HATE doing projects.

Year 2 is really like hell to me lahx..with the workload so heavy and the demand getting higher..the content modules are also not very easy lahx..esp for my course..so much memorising to do .. can die lehx..CAN SOMEONE PLS HELP ME OUTTA TIS SHIT PLS!!!!!!!!

But in another sense, it's gd for me coz it keeps me occupied and by the time I reach home, I'll be too tired to think about unncessary stuffs and hu si luan xiang but just watch tv then slp alread..and tt's my typical weekday...

I guess that time really heals all wounds coz now I'm not so pain inside of me anymore. And I sorta kan kai le. And accepted things that I found it so hard to accept in the past at the beginning. Nth really matters that much to me anymore. Or so I pyscho myself into thinking like that.

........

P.S ( I just have to cope with the demands of this coming week this weekend..with 2 quizes this coming week, my entre project proposal to hand in to present in class AGAIN and my FPQA report and to continue doing my NLS and ApFS proj and...........the list goes on. )

How true

2008-07-01T07:56:00.001-07:00

爱的感觉，总是在一开始觉得很甜蜜，总觉得多一个人陪、多一个人帮你分担，你终於不再孤单了，至少有一个人想著你、恋著你，不论做什么事情，只要能一起，就是好的，但是慢慢的，随著彼此的认识愈深，你开始发现了对方的缺点，於是问题一个接著一个发生，你开始烦、累，甚至想要逃避，有人说爱情就像在捡石头，总想捡到一个适合自己的，但是你又如何知道什么时候能够捡到呢？ *她适合你，那你又适合她吗? 其实，爱情就像磨石子一样，或许刚捡到的时候，你不是那么的满意，但是记住人是有弹性的，很多事情是可以改变的，只要你有心、有勇气，与其到处去捡未知的石头，还不如好好的将自己已经拥有的石头磨亮磨，你开始磨了吗？很多人以为是因为感情淡了，所以人才会变得懒惰。错！其实是人先被惰性征服，所以感情才会变淡的。
*在某个聚餐的场合, 有人提议多吃点虾子对身体好，这时候有个中年男人忽然说「十年前，当我老婆还是我的女朋友的时候，她说要吃十只虾，我就剥二十只给她！现在，如果她要我帮她剥虾壳，开玩笑！我连帮她脱衣服都没兴趣了，还剥虾壳咧！
*听到了吗？明白了吗？难怪越来越多人只想要谈一辈子的恋爱，却迟迟不肯走入婚姻。因为，婚姻容易让人变得懒惰。如果每个人都懒得讲话、懒得倾听、懒得制造惊喜、懒得温柔体贴，那么夫妻或是情人之间，又怎么会不渐行渐远渐无声呢？所以请记住：有活力的爱情，是需要适度殷勤灌溉的，谈恋爱，更是不可以偷懒的喔！
*有一对情侣，相约下班後去用餐、逛街，可是女孩因为公司会议而延误了，当她冒著雨赶到的时候已经迟到了30多分钟，他的男朋友很不高兴的说：你每次都这样，现在我甚么心情也没了，我以後再也不会等你了！刹那间，女孩终於决堤崩溃了，她心里在想：或许，他们再也没有未来了
*同样的在同一个地点，另一对情侣也面临同样的处境；女孩赶到的时候也迟到了半个钟头，他的男朋友说：我想你一定忙坏了吧！接著他为女孩拭去脸上的雨水，并且脱去外套盖在女孩身上，此刻，女孩流泪了, 但是流过她脸颊的泪却是温馨的。
你体会到了吗？*其实爱、恨往往只是在我们的一念之间！
爱不仅要懂得宽容更要及时，很多事可能只是在於你心境的转变罢了！懂了吗？当有个人爱上你，而你也觉得他不错。那并不代表你会选择他。 *我们总说：我要找一个你很爱很爱的人，才会谈恋爱。但是当对方问你，怎样才算是很爱很爱的时候，你可能无法回答他，因为你自己也不知道。
*没错，我们总是以为，我们会找到一个自己很爱很爱的人。可是後来，当我们猛然回首，我们才会发觉自己曾经多么天真。假如从来没有开始，你怎么知道自己会不会很爱很爱那个人呢？其实，很爱很爱的感觉，是要在一起经历了许多事情之後才会发现的。或许每个人都希望能够找到自己心目中百分之百的伴侣，但是你有没有想过在你身边会不会早已经有人默默对你付出很久了，只是你没发觉而已呢？所以，还是仔细看看身边的人吧！他或许已经等你很久喽！
*当你爱一个人的时候，爱到八分绝对刚刚好。所有的期待和希望都只有七八分；剩下两三分用来爱自己。如果你还继续爱得更多，很可能会给对方沉重的压力，让彼此喘不过气来，完全丧失了爱情的乐趣。
*所以请记住，喝酒不要超过六分醉，吃饭不要超过七分饱，爱一个人不要超过八分
*那天朋友问我：到底该怎么做才算是爱一个人呢？我笑著跟他说：其实每个人的爱情观都不一样，说对了叫开导，但就怕说错反倒变成误导。那就糟糕了！
*如果你也正在为爱迷惘，或许下面这段话可以给你一些启示：爱一个人，要了解，也要开解；要道歉，也要道谢；要认错，也要改错；要体贴，也要体谅；是接受，而不是忍受；是宽容，而不是纵容；是支持，而不是支配；是慰问，而不是质问；是倾诉，而不是控诉；是难忘，而不是遗忘；是彼此交流，而不是凡事交代；是为对方默默祈求，而不是向对方诸多要求；可以浪漫，但不要浪费；可以随时牵手，但不要随便分手。

That's life.

2008-07-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

As time goes by b/w 2 persons,

why are there less things to talk about to me for U?

why do feelings fade for me somehow for U?

Was reading thru' the past smses he sent to me in the past.

All the "I miss U, I love U, I cnt wait to see U, I miss those eyes of yours etc etc " kinda mushy msgs he used to send to me.

How he used to get jealous and protective of me when other guys try to get closer to me. Now he dont even give a fucking f-fing damn if any guys want to steal me from him.( most prob he cnt wait for that day since he cnt wait for his 'freedom".)

How he used to be so crazily in love with me.

How we used to spend so much time together..

Now, even when we meet or are on the phone, words exchanged b/w us are reduced.

Why must things turn out this way in the end???

Havent U remem what we USED TO have together?

Dont U even cherish what we USED TO have together?

Why must U so cruelly end what we USED TO have together?

How cld U do this to me after how U tried courting me and winning my heart?
Now that U've gotten my heart, U decided and chose to leave me.

How cruel can U get???

U started the courting game and now that I'm so attached to U, U tell me that U want OUT of this relationship just coz U're bored and changed..

How can U choose to leave me now at this point in my life???

I was always there for U when U'd nothing much in your life.

Now that U've them, U dont want me anymore.

What am I to U???

One of the most hurtful things U said to me that day : " I USED TO find joy in this relationship...and then......"

U broke a young girl's poor broken heart just by what U did.

U're SOOOOO selfish. U only think and thought about yourself.

But no matter how badly and mean U treat me now, I still want to say this..

I still love U..so much it hurts so badly inside of me..

The uGly tRuThs.='(

2008-06-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

He told me more ugly truths on 29th May 2008 Sunday.

We sat at a SP park and talked things out.

He said that his heart tells him that he no longer wants to be in a relationship and that he wants to be single.

He said that the honeymoon period for us is over and that he's bored of the relationship.

He said that at first, this relationship gave him joy and happiness but now it's dreading him coz he doesnt want to commit himself to a relationship anymore.

He said that he still loves me 70 percent and that his love for me decreased by 30 percent.

He said that he has changed and that things are never going to be the same again.

When I tried to talk to him about our past and what we used to have, he sid that he's not interested in reminiscing the past and that the past is alread the past so there's no point talking about it.

He said that he thinks that this relationship will prob not work out.

='(

All that I cld take for a day. NOOOOOOOO.....I just cnt accept all these ugly truths all over again......

Why is life SOOOOO cruel???

Why do relationships sour after some time together???

Why do we take each other for granted after knowing each other so well now and being so used to each other's presence now ???

Why cnt we give and take now???

Why cnt U feel the way U felt about me now???

Why cnt U be crazy about me like U used to ???

Why cnt we spend as much time as we used to anymore???

Why cnt U wear our couple ring anymore ???

Why cnt U kiss and hug me like U used to anymore???

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy.

Depressed once again..='(

2008-06-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

So much things happened.

So much emotions overwhelmed me.

So much gan chu..

So much unneccessary worries..

So much anxiety..

So much .......

So much of all these has made me very , very , very tired.

I guess I must be undergoing a life crisis now. And I dont feel good about it.

I 've been thinking alot of my future of late.

Maybe it's coz of many things that happened to me that make me so emo and think so much things about life.

CAN SOMEONE PLS HELP ME..I'M FACING A LIFE CRISIS......I'M SOO VEXED!!!!!!!!

I'm worried and stressed out about my present.

I'm upset about certain parts of my past.

I'm uncertain and anxious of my future.

My past, present and future. That makes me ME and makes up a whole of MY life.

Though me and dearie are back together again, I cnt help feeling worried and paranoid that THAT DAY will happen yet again. I constantly have an unknown subconscious FEAR of a sudden break up from him that 'll get me caught off-guarded and shocked yet again. Though we're back together again, he's no longer the Dorai I once thought I knew. I've to accept so many changes in him I dont know it I really have accepted them or that I just pyscho myself that I have when deep down I know I havent. I still hate the fact that he smokes now. I still hate the fact that he put his friends as more impt than me his gf. I still hate the fact that he put almost everyone and everything infront of me. I still hate the fact that he no longer put on our couple ring like he used to. I still hate the fact that he flirts ard and gets to know more girls. I still hate the fact that he always have time for everyone and everything except me. I still hate the fact that he longer looks at me the way he used to. I still hate the fact that he no longer calls me everynight to ask me how's my day. I still hate the fact that he no longer sends me to school.I still hate the fact that he breaks all his promises to me. I still hate................sighs.

I guess I'm REALLY insecure inside of me now. I'm insecure of the things I used to have and might have taken them for granted. Now that I regret it, it's too late. Things have alread happened. Just like a mirror tt's broken, no matter how U try to fix it, the cracks will always be there. Just like my relationship with dearie..the cracks are alread present the day he chose to leave me..All I ever really want and need is for him to love and care for me the way he used to. But I'm not getting much of that anymore since THAT day. ='(

I'm stressed out and worried for my studies. So much things happened that made me not abe to concentrate on my studies. I just got back my term tests and my results are all the borderline pass kind. I REALLY HATE MYSELF THAT I HAVE TO LET MY STUPID EMOTIONS OVERTAKE MY DESIRE TO DO WELL IN MY STUDIES. I HAVE ALREADY SCREWED UP MY STUPID A LEVELS TWICE. I REALLY CNT AFFORD THE TIME , MONEY AND EFFORT TO SCREW UP MY DIPLOMA WHICH TRANSLATES MY FUTURE RICE BOWL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! But knowing me, I'm someone who's very much affected by things happening ard me and my emotions most likely than not, will overwhelm everything else. Which's bad. VERY VERY bad.

Recently, my parent told me some UGLY FGLY truths that I really hope aint true and I hate them for telling them to me.='(

This's my PRESENT.

Like I said earlier, I think I'm reaching adulthood life crisis now. I'm going to turn 21 soon and the stress of knowing the responsibilities that lie ahead of me once I reach that scary age really spookes me out. I know myself that I've been so protected by my aunt all these years of my dear lives that made me so reliant on others many a time. I dont even know how to boil a kettle of water and all that stuffs coz my aunt has NEVER let me do any of those stuffs before. Which is a bad thing now that I think about it. Coz now I have to re learn everything all at once. I dont know if I can handle that. About the cooking part, all thanks to being in my food science and nutrition course, at least I'm better at cooking and stuffs but still, there're ALOT of rooms for improvements. AND I GOTTA CONQUER MY STUPID FEAR OF THE FIRE!!!!!!It's obstructing me from being able to do alot of things I know I NEED to be able to handle myself. Sighs. Household responsibilities-wise of being an adult, I still have to cope with most scary part which's the financial responsibilities that come of being an adult. Soon, I'll be REALLY outside in the society working ( not some pert-time play play and get paid kinda shit but the really working as a professional kinda working) and earning my own bucks and being self-reliant and making sure that my rice bowl is stable and it's this fact that really makes me really really scared and evern more insecure. And then there's the thought of marriage which's another idea that makes me really really scared coz after hearing so many real life stories of broken marriages and divorces and stuffs and even experiencing break ups ( like my most recent one) , I really have phobias of putting in so much love and commitment and all into a relationship only to find out one day that the guy decides to end everything you 2 used to have maybe coz he's bored of it or his feelings for you has faded. That's the cruelty of life that you have to accept that may just happen to you in the event that you decide to commit yourself to a relationship or worse still, get married and the worst of the worst if being married and having children. If you're like me, the worst that can happen is just that you've to cope with your depression, shockness and broken heart and poor soul and getting used to being single again and re-learning to lead a life w/o your other half. BUT if you're already married to the guy, it's EVEN worse coz the emotional trauma will surely be worse and alot of money and other stuffs will be involved. THE WORST CASE that can ever happen to any women is her husband filing for a divorce after being married to her and already having kids. The women will ALWAYS be at the loosing end coz which other guy'll want a woman with kids and by then the women will no longer be in her prime age and wrinkles and stuffs will alread have grown and she wnt be as attractive as before. In the end, the poorwomen will have to become a single mum and cope with work and taking care of her children which I know aint easy job. She will have to work like crazy and most of her expenses will be on her children. ( and note that the children themselves are the jie jing of she and her ex husband which serve as a constant reminder of the bastard ) Sighs. So you see, women will ALWAYS AND FOREVER BE AT THE LOOSING END OF THE GAME!!!!!!! Which explains why choosing the right one for marriage is SOOOOO impt to a woman. Sighs.

So tt's the FUTURE part I've to consider.

Many a time, I really hope to be like Peter Pan who never grows up and will always live in fairytale LaLa Land.

Growing up after the age of 20 is really NOT easy. It equates to more responsibilities , problems and worries.

I guess I shd stop zi qi qi ren already.

I know that sometimes deep down inside of me I know the ugly truths of life but I'll just act like I dont so I dont have to feel vexed about them.

Life is really like a long marathon of race. I'm alread more than a quater thru' my race..Will I really be able to pull it thru and face whatever obstacles that come ahead head-on and reach the finishing line with a big proud smile plastered to my face and knowing that I have alread done my part and my best in life and I 'll not have any regrets..???

Life goes on..

2008-06-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie..

I got past Dearie's break up with me.It was sudden and devastating and heartbreaking and shocking to me.

I got past Baby's sudden death. It was sudden and shocking and devastating to me.

I got past .....

Have I really got past these 2 drastic things that happened to me all in the month of May..???

I guess the truth is that I'm still COPING to get past them.

I'm lying if I say I got past them.

But no matter U get past them or not, life goes on..time ticks off every single seconds..U just have to MOVE ON no matter U like it or not...tt's LIFE..

I guess God wants me to experience these kinda things to make me GROW UP ..

Happy again..???

2008-06-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

I guess I feel better now..

At least I dnt feel as depressed and stressed out as last week..

I guess I accepted many things that had happened .

I think things are looking brighter for me now..

I hope things can remain this way and that I'll feel happy everyday..

Growing Old With Someone U love..

2008-06-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

If there's really a chance, I'll really want to go thru' our lives together and be there for each other thru' thick and thin..

If there's really a chance,I want to grow old together with U...till death also do us not part.....

I love U Dorai..so so much...that it scares me....I hate myself for loving you so much..

Finally the worse week of my life is over.

2008-06-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

Moved on.

I have accepted Baby's sudden death.

I have accepted that Dorai wont be the same old Dorai anymore coz he has changed.

I have accepted that things are never going to be the same again for me.

I have accepted that life is NEVER fair and that the unpredictables can ALWAYS happen so pls dont take anything for granted.

I have accepted the fact that life IS FRAGILE. One moment you may be kicking and living but the nxt minute your heart may just stop beating and you're pronounced DEAD.

I have accepted the fact that all LIVING things WILL die one day.

I have accepted the fact that anything bad may happen to me again and come as a shock to me, only this time round I wont be as shocked as before coz I experienced this kinda shit before.

I have learnt that life is NEVER a bed of roses coz there'll always be UPS and DOWNS...

I have learnt that....................IN ORDER TO SURVIVE IN THIS FREAKING CRUEL WORLD, U JUST HAVE TO ACT STRONG AND PUT ON PLASTIC SMILES COZ LIFE IS JUST LIKE A GAME...THE MORE YOU KNOW HOW TO "ACT" AND ZUO REN, THE MORE U'LL SUCCEED AND WIN IN LIFE. SOMETIMES BEING NICE WILL JUST PUT U TO A DISADVANTAGED AND U MAY JUST BE TAKEN ADVANTAGED OF. EVEN IF U FEEL FRAGILE, DONT SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!COZ IT'LL PUT U IN A MORE FRAGILE POSITION.............

Of course there're many nice ppl ard too in this world...They comfort and encourage you in times of need and sadness..They smile and cry together with you..These are ppl you call FRIENDs...but there're also ppl out there who wnt give a fucking damn what happened to you coz it's just not their probs. They wnt pity you just coz you're upset ur beloved pet just passed away or that you just broke up with your bf and you feel like dying. These are ppl called aquinctances ( duno how to spell) and they're not your friends but just human beings who happen to cross that certain path in your life. These are unimportant ppl coz they wnt stay long in your life. They're just temporary in your life. So whether you like it or not, you just have to cope with breathing the same air as them for the time being. That's LIFE.

So I moved on. Or so I CLAIM to be.

Last week was like one of the worse weeks of my life.

I had to cope with the depression of Baby's sudden death and my stupid mid-terms exams. And the exams werent easy. Year 2 papers're so hard. All 1 qn 10m/20m kinda essay questions. And all the modules are SOOOOOO content and project-heavy!!! I dont know how did I manage to cope but I survived last week.

So I guess that I'm a pretty strong girl. My rational side of me over-powered the emotional side of me coz I was able to force myself to mug for the mid-terms and went thru' the whole exams process. And I'm still here. Though I know I may not do v well in this mid-terms, but I feel that I have alread tried my VERY best to and I have not let myself down coz I did NOT just give up and swarrow ( correct spelling?) in self pity. Though I cried alot since Baby's death, but I always make sure I did what I have to do and am responsible to myself and my duties.

The nightmarish May is FINALLY over. I sincerely hope that June will be a better month ahead and that I can be on the road to recovery of my poor broken heart soon................

P.S ( I miss U Baby..I hope you're serene up there in Heaven..Though U're no longer here physically in this world anymore..your spirit and existence will always be here in my very heart..4eva till the day I die..)

Goodbye Baby..I'll always love n miss U..

2008-05-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

God is damn cruel to me this month.

In a month, God took away 2 of the most impt things in my life.

First he took away dearie on 1st May when dearie decided to break up with me.

And yesterday, on the 29th May, God took away Baby from me.

='(

Baby passed away yesterday all of a sudden. I was and still am damn shocked and cnt believe it's HAPPENING TO ME.

I loved and still love Baby so much. He had been in my life for 2 mths plus now. I've grown attached to it. Since the day I brought him home, I 've been taking care of him and spending time with him. Everyday I'll changed and cleaned his cage. Everyday I fed Baby. Sometimes I bought carrots for Baby and fed him. And I wld see him eating his carrots cutely in his cage and he wld end up with an orange nose which's so cute. Everyday I let Babt hopped ard in my room and hugged Baby. I let Baby licked my hands and kissed Baby on his forehead . Everyday I said good mornings, hellos and good nights to Baby. I loved Baby with each day.

But all of a sudden, he just died. I dont know what to say but that God is really testing me this month. As if the breakup with dearie isnt traumatic to me enough. Now THIS. I still dont understand how can Baby just suddenly die just like this. WHY.........WHY'RE U DOING THIS TO ME GOD????????I TOLD U SO MANY TIMES THAT I LOVE BABY AND I CNT AFFORD TO LOOSE BABY NOW THAT U'VE TAKEN DEARIE AWAY FROM ME. WHY'RE U DOING THIS TO ME.....WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!='(

Yesterday when I came home, Baby was still alright and he looked okay to me. And then I dont know why also after his bath, when I picked him up, he just suddenly collapsed and his heart just stopped beating. I was damn shocked and panicked and cried and I was so helpless. Baby was dying in my room. I was so helpless I didnt know what to do. I dont know how to explain the whole thing but yesterday was one of the worse days of my life. ='( =( =<

All the BADDDDDDDD things are happening to me recently. I cnt take it anymore. I really feel like dying.

To Baby:

Dearest Baby, Jie Jie will always love and miss U. I really miss U Baby. Can U come back to me plz? I'm sorry if I had not in any way been a good mum to U. But I really tried my best to keep U given my circumstance.I really gave U my best but I guess it's not good enough tt's why U chose to leave me.='( I'm sorry U did not have a single day of peace since the day I bought U home coz of my stupid mum. I'm sorry if I'd caused your death in any way. I really cnt forgive myself . I hate myself actually. I miss U Baby. And I'll always miss U. U'll always remain in my heart. In my memory. I'll always remem how U used to lick me, your cutie sniffing white button nose, your cutie white palms and legs and your cutie hOpPitY hop way of hopping. I love U Baby. I really do. Can U pls come back to me pls????????Can the whole thing just be a nightmare so when I wake up,it isnt real and I'll still be able to see and feel U in my arms again?????????Plsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..........I miss U terribly Baby. I need U. I've feeelings for U.How can U just die like this. I still cnt comprehend whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I miss U Baby and I love U. So much. Pls.Come back to me , wont U?

God, the pain is killing me. Why must U do this to me?????????WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I need U Baby to come back in my life.............WHY IS GOD DOING THIS TO ME .......... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ='(

I miss U terribly Baby. Come back to me, wont U?

LIFE IS JUST NOT FAIR. ESPECIALLY TO ME. ='( =( =<

I REALLY FEEL LIKE DYING. CAN I?

Someday I'll see U in heaven Baby. Then we can spend more time together and we can be together with each other till eternity.

I love U Baby.

Missing U..terribly.......

I'm used to it now.

2008-05-24T19:28:00.001-07:00

I'm used to it now.

I'm used to you treating me coldly and badly now.

No wonder they say that time can heal all wounds.

It's true.

Met Up with Qiao Die

2008-05-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie,

Yesterday 23/5/2008 I met up with my long lost childhood friend Qiao Die.

I guess it's fate or smt coz the day before I was on my way home when I met her mum. Okies. Actually I didnt see her. It was her who saw me and called me. I was like damn touched her mum can still rec me and remem me after not seeing her all these years. Maybe that means I havent changed much in terms of my looks??? Lolx. But anyways, I decided to take the initiative and asked Qiao out like yesterday since it has like been AGES since we last met up and hanged out and caught up with each other. The FUNNY thing is that we're just like only 8 storey levels separated from each other EVERYDAY of our lives since like the day I moved back here in B.K.

I can still remem the goody old innocent days spent with her at our old B.K house. Back then we were neighbours and our houses were SO near each other we go to each others' houses prac every weekends when I move back to B.K back then. We've had so much much playing girlies stuffs like Modelling, Teacher and Children and U know those imagining stuffs kids play when they are young. We used to be SOOO close to each other. Almost like sisters I can say. And I remem how we used to go to each others' houses and play and play at our blk's staircase and stuffs. And hence her mum knows me quite well and vice versa. Those WERE the days . Thinking about it now , I really miss those days.

But somehow we lost contact like years ago coz we were so caught up with our own lives. I think the last time we saw each other was when I came back to my B.K home and we met and went to the pg near our place and played swings and hopscotch and stuffs and chatted about some boys stuffs..or was it the countdown party in 2004..we cnt really remem anymore also...

BUTTTTTT it's so good that we're back together again. And like OH MY GOODNESS!!! She changed so much..! Okies, not her character sort..her character is somewhat still the same...but I mean the stuffs that happened to her...! First up, she 's now an part time model of SHINE. And I went to her house yesterday to see her modelling pics, her new worerode and her make-up set and I was like WOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. Compared to MY collection, mine is like relatively less lahx. ( and my parents kept complaining I lavish on too many clothes and and shoes and make-uo alread..) And the there's the shocking news of how she managed to SLIM DOWN so much for the past few years. ( no offence but I think her mtd is damn unhealthy coz she prac starve herself and is like anorexia I think ) And you know how badly girls like US want to stay slim and loose all the excess fats so badly. So yepx, me and her have decided to go like jogging together and slim down and loose more weight together. And I think I want to join modelling like her. Since she's in alread, I think she can help me in too. ( No offence but since she can make it for modeling too, I dnt see why I cant..I'm slimmer than her and more petite than her..not bhb or what but really..) Yea, I think I'm going to do it..! ( Actually I plan to try out for iar stewardes too..it's a once in a life time experience also wat..I want to experience life..! )

And she also told me alot of other shocking stuffs which I shall not say here coz it's not nice to expose these kinda stuffs here lahx.

Finding her back is like I found a part of the past me back whom I miss.

I thought I lost myself. But I guess I found back a tiny winy bit of the past me who used to be so happy and innocent.

She still has that brown eyes of hers we used to talk about.

She still has her shaung lang character.

She still has her...........

But time really can change a person and I guess she changed.

I chanegd too.

Would U ( Still ) Be There For Me..???

2008-05-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

If I were blue, would you be there for me?
And whisper in my ears that's ok.
Would you stand by me, l
et me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time.
If I feel good, would you slow dance with me,
And touch my lips with tender loving care,
Would you die for me,
would you run with me,
And never look back..
Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,to take my breath away?
Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,to take my breath away?
Would you be there..
If I am away,
would you still think of me,
And wished that you could hold me now.
Would you die for me, would you run with me,
All the way ...
Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,to take my breath away?
Would you be there to save my soul tonight,
Would you swear that your love is always true,
Would you say that you always be there,
To kiss my pain away,
Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,to take my breath away?
Would you be there to save my soul tonight,
Would you swear that your love is always true,
Would you say that you always be there,
To kiss my pain away,Would you be there ..... for me ...

tired..

2008-05-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm tired..

Tired of acting brave and putting on fake plastic smiles in school everyday.

Tired of acting I'm okay when actually deep down inside of me I feel like a TOTAL MESS and shit.

Tired of having to FORCE myself to mug and do my school stuffs when I really DONT feel like doing them coz my heart is still aching inside of me and I feel so emo and all that..

Tired of the monotonous school life and having to rush here and there ..

Tired of the DEADlines to meet and stuffs....

Tired of thinking too much..

Tired of crying and emo-ing..

Tired of feeling sad..

Tired of feeling TIRED...

Tired of loving U so much coz it's a burden to love someone more than he/she loves you.

I LOVE YA DORAI. PLS COME BACK TO ME THE OLD OLD DORAI.......PLXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX..............I MISS U........

TERRIBLY MISSING THE OLD OLD DORAI.......

( every time I think about the past of what we've had and shared I cnt help but tear coz there're really so many happy memo we shared together..we went thru' so much together...but now U're leaving me just over a sentence that "U'VE CHANGED". How do U expect me to accept that U started smoking and stop loving me as much as before and that U can no longer be the loving and caring bf anymore..........)

='(

p.s( thanks for all who showed their care and concern to me during this tough period of my life..I love U guys..)

Somehow I dont know how I'll cope.

I dont know...I really dont know anymore..

2008-05-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of my life now.

I have to cope with the emotional trauma of the break-up and the emotional stress of school work.

Everyday I lead a double life.

When I'm in school or mugging, I force myself to do it and I just push myself to the limit I know I've no self worth anymore. I just force myself to do things I dont want to do.

When I'm outta school or mugging mode, I'll cry and cut myself and feel like shit.

And then I also force myself to busy myself with things so that at the end of the day, I'll be so tired I dnt have to think or feel so much at night which is the loneliest time of the day.

I'm really really tired. I'm tired of feeling down and feeling like I live in a well with no light at all. No light of hope. Just pure sadness and loneliness . I seem to be living in a world of darkness. Nth makes me happy anymore. I just feel so blue everyday. Living is like a pure tortue to me. Every waking moment of my life I'm reminded of the day he left me..the awful scence.....the nightmare that wasnt a nightmare..it was REAL. The hurt he put me thru' now.

I know I dont even love myself anymore. Every time it hurts so much I have no choice but to cut myself so that my heart wldnt feel so painful. At least the pain of bleeding reminds me of the fact that I'm still alive although my heart is alread dead the day he left me.

Why oh why??? Why must bad things always happen to me??? Why is God so unfair to me..??? He always take away the good stuffs in my life. Good things never really last forever for me. Somehow God will take the good stuffs in my life after a while. I really wish to just die so I dnt have to feel so pain inside of me anymore.

Why must it hurt so much?????? I cant take the pain anymore.......

Can U pls come back to me I beg U............there's nobody in this world except U...................We shared to many happy memo and went thru' so much together......how cld U treat it like none of these happened before and U bear to leave me just like this and end everything we've had b/w us....................why...................................

Can I eva be the happy me again...

Will time really heal all wounds..???

Meeting up with Santos again.

2008-05-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie,

Santos IS cute.

He msned me recently and asked me out. I told him about what happened b/w Dorai and me and he 's so nice he consoled me and all as a long lost friend of mine. He msged me and all and we ended up chatting on the phone till late about alot of things. He's just so nice to talk to and such a nice friend. He's funny too. Entertaining. I think he's the sort of person you'll really want to befriend with coz he knows WHAT to say and WHEN to say at the right time. He says things that people WANT to know. And personally I feel he's the sort of guy girls will go after coz he has THAT X factor that just draw you to him. I dont know how to describe lahx. You have to experience it yourself to know what I mean. Anyway, he helped me feel less pain inside of me coz he brought to light a broader perspective of BGR and life to me. And somehow, his voice and all is just so soothing to me. And I esp like the way he laugh..so cute..I think he has that KILLER laughter that girls will just die for. His laughter can really melt girls' hearts lahx. Not exaggerating or anything..

Anyway, it has been some time since we met up and caught up with each other. So since he initiated everything and asked me out, we decided to meet up. It ended up that I met him at town for a movie---> Welcome to Vegas ( yea..my fave chick-flick ) He brought me to this special place which I shall not mention here or it wnt be special anymore if too many ppl know... It's such a nice place to just.............chill and hang out........it's a place devoid of the busy-ness, stress and noise of the city...so nice that place...it's one of the nicest place I know that exists in sg...

I like the way he laughs and the sound of his laughter.

I like the way he just randomly cracks up a joke.

I like the way he knows just what to say and when to say it.

I like the way he smiles..just like a little child..

I like Santos...

But only as a friend.

I hate myself for loving Dorai so much that I cnt seem to let go of him and get him outta my mind.

I love U Dorai....come back to me , wont U....I NEED you..........There's no other guys for me but YOU.

2008-05-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

I will remember you

It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
Hoping they will never change

Cause what we had can't be replaced
Don't let our memories fade away
Keep me in your heart for always

You made me believe... I can do almost anything
Stood right by me... Through the tears through everything

I'll remember you
And baby that's forever true
You're the one that I'll always miss
Never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you... No matter what you're going through
In my heart you'll always be forever baby... I'll remember you

I promise you... I won't forget... The times we shared.... The tears we've cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back
To meet again someday
Even though we go separate ways
You made me believe... That I can do almost anything
You stood right by me... Through the tears through everything

I'll remember you
And baby that's forever true
You're the one that I'll always miss
Never thought it would feel like this
I'll remember you.... No matter what your going through
In my heart you'll always be forever baby.... I'll remember you
If the day should come when you need someone
You know that I follow... I will be there
Don't ever let there be a doubt in your mind
Cause I'll remember you... you...

I'll remember you
And baby that's forever true
You're the one that I'll always miss
Never thought it would feel like this
I'll remember you... No matter what your going through
In my heart you'll always be forever baby... I'll remember you
Forever baby I'll remember you

P.S ( I miss U the old old Dorai I used to know..can U eva come back to me again..? Why have U changed so much now? Why cnt we be what we used to be anymore? Why cant we eat ice cream under the void deck together again..? Why dont U eva wear our couple ring anymore..? Why dont U call me at night w/o fail to ask me how's my day anymore..? Why dont U give me morning call like U used to anymore..? Why dont U spend more time with me like U used to anymore..? Why dont U send me home anymore..? Why dont U eva be the old Dorai anymore...? I miss U Dorai of the past...come back to me by my side pretty pls..??? Can we eva be wat we used to be anymore? Even though U said we're back together again but why're things SO different b.w us now? Why do I feel like U're being with me not coz U want to but coz U're obliged to coz U're afraid I'll do smt silly...? I miss and love U so much . Why oh why must U let that day happen? That cruel day U said we shd break up with each other. I never eva want to remem it in my mind but every time I remem the scene of U kissing my forehead and saying gd bye to me for the last time only this time it was really the last gd bye and U didnt call me "dear' anymore but the oh so cold"Jean". The hurt is so unbearable. I can never be the happy Jean eva again after that day. The day U left me my heart just died there and then. I really dont think I can love anyone eva again coz it's just so hurtful to love anyone eva again. I dont know wat's true and wat's fake anymore. Even though now we're back together but it's just so different now. I dnt think I can trust U anymore coz it'll never be the same eva again.

='(

Together again..???

2008-05-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie.

Dorai decided that we shd give ourselves another try at this relationship again...

But to me , it's like....it's different now....

It's smt like the mirror theory thing. Once the mirror is broken like how he shocked me with the news of the break up, the mirror can never be the perfect mirror anymore no matter how the mirror pieces are being fixed back together...

So...I really do not know anymore...I'm so unsure and insecure coz to me, I'll nv know if he'll break up with me again...and I'll be hurt again by then...

So I or shd I not.......?

What exactly are we now...???

Can U eva quit smoking and spend less time with your friends .......???

Can we ever be the same again...???

Many a time I really miss 2006 coz that was our honeymoon period when we wld spend prac everyday with each other and oh so crazy in love and all that.............

Why cnt we be like wat we used to be anymore...???

Why must there be so many changes in our lives now...??????????

I miss U . I miss U badly. I need your hugs and kisses once again.

I know I'm weak but the truth is that I still love U.

I have never loved anyone so much before. Not even Yang Meng or Qin Yao.

Can you come back to me...the old Dorai........

='(

2008-05-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

Okies.

Breaking up with someone U love truely is REALLY not easy at all.

Why must it hurt so badly inside of me .

='(

Changes in life..

2008-05-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

Life is really strange sometimes..

All of a sudden, me and my bf broke up..

And all of a sudden, I became a cheerleader..

I hope that time can really heal ALL wounds..my poor broken heart and soul now..

It's realli over b/w us..='(

2008-04-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

He told me it's over b/w us.

='(

I expected this day to come but I didnt expect it to be that soon.

I guess he's tired of us quarelling so often since the day he found them.

I'm so pain inside of me it's killing me..='( =<=( I dont think I can ever love anyone so much eva again...

Simple Bliss.

2008-04-28T03:59:00.000-07:00

Simple Bliss. Is defined as something simple yet so sweet and heart-warming.

26/4/2008 is one of the days I can feel simple bliss like this.

Just lying down with Dearie at our usual playgrd and looking at the stars and sky with, cuddling in his arms...with Baby hopping cutely and innocently ard us at the playgrd..such is MY definition of simple blessings in life that cannot use money to measure or anything in the world for that matter...

I wished that time wld just stop at that moment and time so that I can feel this kinda simple bliss to keep me a lifetime...

P.S I love ya Dearie..I really do.................

School, Baby, Dearie..

2008-04-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

Baby is currently hopping ard my table now beside me and my lappytop..soooooooo cute lahx he...I can look at him for hours and he's still so cute...so notti also..!~ =P B-A-B-Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Dearie more and more by the day...I think he's really the one for me le..the one I'll spend the rest of my life with......but I hate myself when I feel weak and tend to cling onto him like a panda to a tree lahx........!

It's so nice to see my TP friends again..esp polly, meng , misrah , hong etc.. Missed them so much lahx..now we'll see each other prac everyday..lOlx..=P

My new subjects are all so cool lahx...this sem got cooking labs..yea..! Monday is the worst..whole day lab from 9-6pmno break lahx..think we'll smuggle food inside to eat in the lab...lOlx..^.^

I 'm going for TP cheerleading and CO trials...cant wait..!!! I 'll get in ..!!! =)

Okies..back to doing my piling up assignments...sighs..........( yea..1st week alread got..='( )

p.s I got my hair rebonded finally...hAhax..

New Year, New Sem...!~ =D

2008-04-17T00:42:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhhhhhhs.

School is reopening on like this coming Monday and I'm SOOOO damn excited..lOlx..always so excited at first then after I'm used to the routines I'll sian diao and complain..yea...like again..

Anyways, it's so cool that I'm going to take Entrepreneurship ( duno how to spell..) for my CDS..!!! Yea..I hope to be one..lOlx..maybe one day I can open a shop ( s ) like my boss did after I have earned and saved up enough...who knows...it's my dreams..!

And the new modules this sem seem cool too...--->

- Applied Food Sanitation

-Catering Technology

-Food Ingredients

-Food Preservation and Quality Assurance

-Nutrition Across Life Span

-APEL 2

-Entrepreneurship as my third and last CDS..!!!

=) =0 =>

Soooooooooooo exciting..I love excitement can plsssssssss..........so here goes...-> Me being "promoted to year 2", me getting all the new modules and getting to know new teachers and lecturers and............................seeing my TP friends like everyday again real soon........Cant wait .......!!!!!!!!! And this sem got Baby in my life.......................woah...............EXCITEMENT CAN PLS.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1=)

So I got some of my goals fulfilled this hols...-> I got myself a fnb and cashiering job and I got my wish to own a rabbit..^_^

My goals this coming new sem are as follows----------------->

- GPA of 3.5

- Get into cheerleading

- Get into CO

Yea...!!!~ Jia yous and have lotsa fun this new sem..!!!!!!!!!!! =)

p.s ( I sorta miss working at Fancy Delight........)

p.s.s ( I love ya Dearie and Baby..) Both equally much.....

p.s.s.s Thanks for being my pillar of strength dearie.....

Baby..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =P

2008-04-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

That cute little fury notti hopping thing in my room now.... SO cute......!!!!!!!!!! But SOOOOo notti too...lOlx.......

Baby..

2008-04-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

Baby I love U and I'll never let U go..but if I have to boy I think that you shd know..

Baby D.J is still so cute and adorable BUTTTTTTT he's becoming SOOO naughty! And he has grown quite a bit since the 1st day I brought him home..."ai yo yo....BABY!!!!!!!!!!! "( tt's like my kou tou chang now at home in my own room..)

Yea. It was only like yesterday de yesterday he hopped outta his cutie little cage and I was so damn shocked coz I was like damn tired after a day of work and went out with dearie after that I just collapsed onto my bed after cleaning Baby and his cage like I do everyday now...only to find that Baby was like under my TV at ard 2am plus in the morning trying to find food or smt...! Naughty naughty little Baby! =P Sighs..and since that day, he has been trying to hop outta his cage whenever he has the chance to..so I have no choice but to cover his cage and only leave some space for his to breathe and I feel damn bad about it lahx .. but no choice.. coz I wldnt want him to hop outta his cage when I'm not at home or not supervising him at him and pee and shit all over my room..!!! The least I want to do now is to clean up my room again..I'm still so tired everyday now..and school is going to reopen in like 1 wk's time...oh gosh..!!! That means I'll be more tired lahx.....................BUTTTTTT I still love Baby the same no matter what... the cute little hoppitee hopp furry small thing in my room now...

Anyways, apparently, Friday was like my last day working at Fancy Delight. Coz I wanted to take a 1 week break and recharge before school reopens and also spend more time with Baby before the hectic school term starts andI've to mug my head off again...so yepx..

And Boss called yesterday to tell me I dont have to work yesterday coz he found a new person alread... Coz actually I'm supposed to work till yesterday but he called me and said no need alread.. Wells, I'll sorta miss working there coz I kinda enjoy working there ...

And Boss asked me to pass him the locker and cashier key to him yesterday. So I asked Dearie who aint working yesterday to acc me there..he was late for a freaking half an hour..!!!! ( my boss ) Luckily got Dearie pei me .. or I'll be damn pissed with him lahx...

The thing is that in the end I met Boss at our opp our working place de B.K and he sorta debriefed me like he always do coz tt's like his style .. And he said some touching and heart - warming things to me ( which I shall not elaborate here ) and gave me a 10 bucks tip...So nice of him ritex... He still praised me for my good working attitude and being reliable and all..makes me feel so on cloud nine lahx........Actually the ending of this episode of my working at Fancy Delight de story is that Boss is actually quite a nice guy who's v strict on discipline...He even said that if in furute during my hols I need job I can call and ask him..SO nice ritex..? So I wana apologise here for whatever mean things I have said about him previously...makes me damn guilty now lahx...thanks Boss for everything you've taught me and I have really learnt alot and thanks for the cashiering experience..! ~ =) So yepx..yesterday's debrief sorta marked the end of my Fancy Delight story..

But my story with Baby continues...^.^

P.S I love ya.

My new life..A new pet..

2008-04-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Wells, having a pet again is definitely more exhausting than I expected it to be...

Of course I enjoy being ard baby D.J coz he's really so cute. I can look at him for hours and still wont get bored..I enojoy lying down beside Baby D.J on my bed and feeling his fur on my face ..he's so tiny and cute..and seeing him hop here and there cutely ard my bed..

It's really LOVE for Baby D.J that keeps me going..I love ya Baby D.J..

Now, everyday, I enjoy the time after counting down till 12.30 arrive then I knock off from work and rush home to take a nice long cold bath and then open my room door to see Baby D.J innocently and cutely hopping ard his clean nice cute warm cage.. It's this moment that makes me feel that all my hard work is worth it coz no matter how tiring it is to wake up 6am everyday now to rush to work and having to clean Baby D.J 's cage up every now and then coz he "pian pian" every now and then and pee here and there..but seeing Baby D.J growing up healthy and strong and hyper everyday coz of me makes me feel that whatever that I have done is worth the effort.

Hmm. No wonder they say that " Shi shan zi you ma ma hao " and the singing of this phase that we know since young.... There's really a reason why God made Woman be the breeder and have the natural instint to want to protect, love and care for the young...

Maybe having a baby pet and being responsible for his well-being has made me realise this coz I experience it myself..Having Baby D.J has brought put the "motherly instint" in me that I didnt know existed till now..I think..hMm..

P.S ( I love ya Baby D.J and his father dearie..)

Moi new pet rabbit Baby DJ..^.^ =P On 6/4/2008..

2008-04-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie,

I finally got my pet rabbit..though it isnt dwarf nor droppey but it's baby, light brown and very very cute nehx..=P I love it..I'm his mummy and dearie is his daddy...we love it..it's our love and we name it Baby DJ which stands for Baby DoraiJean..Nice ritex..*bleahx*

Yesterday me and dearie went thru so much and we didnt slp a wink..I dnt wana remem what happened what with the police and all..*sighs* Hopefully tonight I can go into sweet dreams and then tml morning I'll just treat it like it never happened..(kz..tt's what I like to do..bluff myself into believing some bad things didnt happen but were just nightmares..like tt then can live happier mahx..life's alread so sad at times..)

Dont know why also after yesterday I became SUPER emo ... keep crying...*hush hush* I'll be a strong girl and dont cry so much...

P.S I love ya dearie..thanks for everything U have given me all these while and for tolerating my pms at times and nonsense..Recently U made me see a different side of U I didnt really see before and I really admire U sometimes...for the kinda respect U can easily earn from ppl and I can understand why so..U're just the reliable guy that I need since I feel insecure sometimes and need assurance from U..sometimes I feel so funny like as if U're like my elder bro or smt .. coz U're always ( almost ) the one "taking care" of me..I feel so weak beside U sometimes..and I hate that side of me..*sobx* .........

And it goes on..

2008-03-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

I know this sound damn lame and all but....

Yepx, I'm going to start working at Fancy Delight again on Wednesday..coz the boss cnt find new staff and since I need $$$ and there's still like 3 more weeks before school starts, I might as well..

Shd I get--->

1. A cute babay dropey ear dwarf rabbit ?
2. A pair of rollerblades?
3. Rebonded hair?
4. PINK braces ( ermx..just for fun..to experience wearing braces...i find wearing braces a cute thing..)
5.More new clothes and bags and shoes and...???!

6. Or JUST SAVE IT IN MY BANK FOR RAINY DAYS???!!!! ^_^"

I wana get a pet rabbit oh so badly..!

2008-03-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

I really wana get a dwarf droppey ear rabbit..dearie and me went to this place and I saw this really cute rabbit which fits all my criteria and the best thing is that it's still a baby so I can train it to be handled with my loving care....so it wnt be so afraid of being cuddled..shd I just go ahead and buy it..before someone buys it before me..???!

Life.

2008-03-27T03:17:00.000-07:00

I've learnt that...

Life is full of changes just like how the earth revolves ard the world everyday. Changes revolve ard this world everyday.

Life may be full of changes every now and then and you may not be able to change them coz it's not within your ability to do so but you just have to LEARN to adapt yourselves to cope with the changes.

There's really no use or no point crying over changes coz they're inevitable in life. So just MOVE ON and learn to COPE WITH IT. Coz that's life.

Period.

Life's bittersweet memories..

2008-03-27T02:06:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in the process of packing up and cleaning up and tidying my room.

I've decided to pack away all my cute cute things into boxes and put into my cupboards instead of displaying them out on my book shelf..anyways my bookshelf really needs a good bath..SOOO much dust!!! No wonder I'm coughing my lungs out so often now and then..='(

And to add on, I'm packing my stuffs to make space for a new member( going-to-be hopefully) into my room...---> A cutie little rabbit!!! Yepx, I have decided to use my pay to buy a cutie little rabbit that I have been wanting to have since I dont know when. Anyway,dearie said he's paying most of it coz he "owes" me this rabbit de..since 2006...so I chip in also lahx..I'm not so bad okies...BUTTTTTTTT I have to consider many things before I really go and buy a rabbit coz afterall it's a RESPONSIBILITY on my part if I really go buy a rabbit coz it's a LIFE we're talking about here...I have to go do my homework and find out if rabbits can eat cabbage or smt cheap that I can afford to buy and not rabbit food that's damn ex...coz I'm paying for them and SUPPORTING it and not my parents..so I'm kinda the rabbit's Mum in a cute way..lOlx..=P I cant wait manx...I really hope my this small dream of mine can come true..like how I fulfiled my small desire to try cashiering...but this means so much more since my mum gave my cutie poor thing rabbits Jasmine and Robin and my so many hamsters away some 7 years ago..I miss having a rabbit ard .... Anyway, if I really can have a rabbit once again, I alread make up my mind that I wnt go "waste" money buying cute cute things and shopping anymore...I'll have to save up and spend the money on my rabbit .. that is if I can really get a rabbit...*prays hard* BUTTTTT actually I havent asked my parents for permission coz I know my control-freaked mum will SURELY wont allow coz I did hinted to her before and her reaction was a BIG FREAKING NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I guess I'm old enough to make my own decisions and take responsibilities for my own actions so I dnt think I will ask her since she's so.......................%*^*^$%#%$$. Anyways, she's on cold war and not on speaking terms with me for almost 1 week now. And the weird thing is that I DONT EVEN KNOW THE REASON WHY!!! Weird huh....maybe I'm really weird and I come frm a werid family with a werid mum..Maybe it's her hormones acting up again bahx...

Oh my goodness..!!!!!!! The holidays is like killing me can!!!!!!!!!! I'm so damn freaking bored now!!!Everyone seems so busy with their own lives...!!! ='( Like my friends in uni are busy with their exams and my poly friends are busy with their own stuffs ... And dearie is busy with working...Sighs...I cant stand it anymore...I cant stand having NOTHING to do and WASTING my time so yepx, I've decided to go get yet another job after dearie's 20th birthday which is coming up...coz if I go get a job now I might not be able to celebrate dearie's birthday with him worx...So yepx..

And wells, I was packing my diaries ( Yeah..I have started writing diaries since I was like 8 or smt..guess I was emo since young..lOlx..) and letters portion of my cupboards and I was reading thru's some letters my friends wrote to me in the past and I felt like so weird coz my thinking years back and now is like completely different can!!!!!!!! I mean seriously. I didnt know I USED TO be so childish and innocent and ignorant and negative in the past. But in a way, I miss the old Jean Tong Xiuying. I used to be so.......innocent. Innocent about the world around me and I used to cry so damn freaking ALOT and so much more emo!!! And I USED TO be so damn boy-crazy and ......... frank and believe ppl so easliy....but in a way, looking back, maybe that was the reason why I felt happier in the past...

I guess I've really changed alot since then. Not only in terms of how I think but my environment and friends as well. Though some things no longer exist and are history and is only existing as my bittersweet memories of my life..those chapters of my lives, I'll still respect them and thank those people who has walked that phase of my life and accompanied me during those days...thanks for being that rainbow ..

To people whom I'm still in contact with now, I want to make sure I cherish them and not wait till they become history and start regreting them..

Reading thru' my past diary entries and letters sometimes make me want to revisit some of those chapters of my life again but as the same time, they also make me wish I can rewrite some of the chapters of my life...but I guess that's life. Life is never a bed of roses and life is not only filled with happy memories..but sad memories that one wish he/she cld erase ... it comes in a package I guess...but I guess the past is what makes one the present today...So I respect that and want to accept my past and forgive myself for whatever I didnt do well in the past and MOVE ON...=)

For now, I 've to continue with my packing ..... Till then, adios people..!~^.^

So confusing..

2008-03-25T01:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie..

I just quitted my job yesterday. Weird huh? Maybe I'm weird..lOlx.

Actually I do enjoy that job and I was getting the hang of it and I like the baker there whom we wld bitch about everything together and " eat snake" together at work and all that. I was getting USED TO things and everything seemed like a breeze to me then. I was planning to just spend my rest of hols working there till 31st March or longer BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTt..yeah, there's always that BUT.........BUT yesterday while I was stocking up the goodies, TO MY DAMN HORROR, I SAW AN UGLY, HIDDEOUS-LOOKING FAT LONG LIZARD WITH CHICKEN POX OR SOME KINDA BLACK SPOTS ON IT ON THE MIRROR OF THE SHELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YICKS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!='( And to think I ALMOST touch it!!! Luckily I was obeservant enogh to see it before I re-stocked the goodies ONTO it!!!!

So yea, believe it or not, I quitted that pretty good job that I enjoyed doing becoz of this stupid lizard. Maybe it's in God's plans to test me if I'm able to conquer my fear of lizards this time round like how I conqured and finally be able to do my this job well. BUTTTTT oh wells, I guess I'm still hidden in my fear of ugly looking scary lizards..='(

Now I also dont know why but I feel a pity that I quitted the job. ='( I miss wearing THAT brown-orange uniform. I miss doing the routines like that I was taught. I miss seeing Uncle Philip and hearing his voice and chatting with him about almost everything under the sky. I miss seeing and serving familiar customers who come to me every morning ordering the same old things they always order. I miss meeting new customers. I miss pressing the cashiering machine. I miss looking at the time fly by so fast and counting down to 12.30 and hearing Uncle Philip say " Happy hours to knocking off.." I misss....................all these..='( I guess I'm just too emo alread...every time after I quit a certain job or grad frm a certain school I enjoyed my times at I'll feel emo for a period of time.

Oh wells. Maybe I shd just look on the other side of the grass and think about the things I DO NOT miss and I'll feel better and wnt regret what I did..I DONT miss--> Naggings and insults from Boss, that fat ugly lizard I'll have to deal with if I continue working there and waking up damn freaking early in the morning...

So I only earned a total of 150 bucks after ard 1 wk..so pathetic but still it's better than fa mei at home or wasting time shopping ritex........

Anyway, I learned ALOT last week working there and I finally fulfilled my desire to do cashiering at last and I did it well.....and I earned some cash...and I got to know a nice guy Uncle Philip whom helped me so much at work and bitched with me at work to make life so much easier and time passed by faster with him ard...and I still cnt believe what a small small world it is that he told me he used to work at SFMS canteen till 2006 ....... So qiao ritex..! =) I guess it's all in God's plans...^.^

I thanks God.

2008-03-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

I thank God for this chapter of my life..=)

Job.

2008-03-19T08:45:00.001-07:00

Okies.

I take back my words.

The boss aint that nice afterall. Today he finally showed this true colours..his "fox tail". ( translact to chinese..) He was like so damn mean to me today lahx. He kao bei today alot. Think he today PMS manx. Cant stand him now..='( He accused me of things I DIDNT do and he OVERWORK the poor me..Th classified stated it's only cashiering I have to do but it ended up I have to do EVERYTHING!!! And he's getting more and more demanding and bu rao ren as each day comes..=(

But anyways, heck lahx. I wnt be there for long also. Just RENNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! That's the way the real outside world is what. Whoever has CASH IS KING! So since I'm going to take money from him and I'm working UNDER him, I have no choice but to TAHAN lahx. =( That's life. So sad one..=( =( =(

But other than that, it's relatively okay. EXCEPT for some really mean and demanding customers I met today..everything is alrite I guess..........think I'll just continue coz if not I'll forgo my pay from day 1 since pay day is like the nxt mth or smt like that he told me..WTH!

This makes me wana work harder in my studies so that I hope I can dont work UNDER anyone and have to bear with this kinda QI after I grad..But it's so hard lahx...nvm, hard work pays off and I believe that as long as you try your very very best even if you dnt succeed it's alright coz my conscious is clear alread and God knows..=)

P.S ( Apparently this entry is typed in RED .. the boss told me that RED means you're angry and I'm sure damn angry with HIM!!!!!!!!)

Money earned.

2008-03-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously considering getting a pet cutie little droppey eared rabbit with my pay..okies, tt's one more thing up my list of to - buy - things with my pay...cant wait...

( But I duno where to put my pet rabbit if I really wana get it..hmm...)

Moved On.

2008-03-18T02:16:00.000-07:00

Yea, I moved on. Like always. =)

Anyway, yepx, I accepted the fact that my results werent that great this sem and that it's all my fault so I got nobody to blame but myself.

And yes, I moved on. Currently working in a fnb job...love it..=) I hope I can stay there and work till my hols are over..like tt I can earn ard 800 bucks..enough to get me my rollerblades and rebonded hair I hope and save some for rainy days..^.^ Cant wait to get my pay man...

Sometimes I really think life has a way and got to do with FATE. I think that I got this job coz it's kinda fated..only I know why...=X

And I really feel that life is what you make it out to be and that you cnt just WAIT for things to happen. You have to go MAKE it happen YOURSELF! And I think it's proven to be true in so many cases and this attitude has helped me gotten this wonderful job that I love so far...( except the waking up damn freaking early and feeling tired part...)

Yea. And working makes me feel less guilty and less NEED to go shopping and SPEND ( more like WASTE)precious money .. And less guilty coz I spend dearie's hard-earned money to do some senseless shopping that in the end, most often than not,I regret buying after that...=(

May everyone be happy everyday just like how I TRY to be happy and make every second count everyday since life's really sadly VERY VERY short...Jia yous ppl ! =) =) =)

- P.S I love U.. U really told me a VERY shockening news today..and I'm SOO nervous to meet your dad soon.. -

hApPy 2 yEar aNniVersAry to mE n dEarie..=)

2008-03-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Tml will be my and dearie's 2 year anniversary ..

How fast time flies..

So we spent 2 years of our lives with each other..

2 years of ups and downs together...

It's really not easy being together and maintaining a relationship.

Many a time we really fall off with each other and were on the verge of a break up..

But I guess it's fate that always brought us back together again..

I guess he's really PART of my life now. Just like how my hands is part of my body.
I cnt imagine a life w/o him now...

And I love him, yes I do.

Hope he likes what I give him tml..it's frm the bottom of my heart..=)

I Love Ya hun..My Jean Tong Xiuying de Hunny Bunny..

Till eternity..

....

Okies, for now, I better go get my beauty slp so that I can look pretty tml and bubbly to spend the once a year day...^_^ =) =P

Tml's OUR day..Looking forward to it..!~

Saddedddddddddddd..

2008-03-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

okies.

I guess I'm still damn upset over my results.

Just when I THOUGHT I took things on a lighter note ( my results to be specific), my TP friends have to bombard me with the cruel question of " So how's ur GPA this sem..?" ='(

Just STOP ASKING ME THIS QUESTION AND REMINDING ME OF MY SUCKY RESULTS THIS SEM OKAY WHICH INDIRECTLY MAKES ME FEEL DAMN FREAKING GUILTY COZ IT REMINDS ME OF WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SEM WITH MY LIFE..

I guess I really cant take anymore failures anymore in my life. The A Levels was like such a big blow to me and just when I put it behind me and like MOVE ON with my life , I have to meet another crisis..='(

Anyway, I alread plan to work damn ultra freaking f-fing hard for this coming sem so just BEWARE of me okay...lOlx.. Be VERY VERY scared coz when I set my mind to doing smt, I make sure I do it..........so nxt sem I plan to get real gd grades..I plan to be a TP student with NO life and just go to school, attend school then go home and MUG,MUG, MUG . No more going out after school alread... I believe I'll really do much better than this sem....

For now, I'm working hard to like find a job and earn money..!!!!

Results for sem2 , year 1..

2008-03-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

Got back my results alread today.

Very very very disappointing so I shall not post it down here like I did last sem.='(

I expected better.

I expected worse.

Haix.

Anyway, it's OVER .. so I shall not brood about it anymore. No point crying over spilt milk right??? I mean seriously lahx.

Come to think about it, it's actually my fault I got such disappointing results.
I think I played too much and slacked too much this sem le.

I had to cope with attending make-up lessons after my poly lessons and stuffs.

I went out after school with my classmates to shopping and stuffs.

I went out with dearie after school for movies and stuffs.

Basically, my studies was put ASIDE this sem.

Everything seemed to come first except my studies.

So I guess it's really YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

-P.S. I Love U..- ( Cnt wait for or 2 year anniversary...how fast time flies sial..)